


The Letter

by Cat_Denver



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:54:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Denver/pseuds/Cat_Denver
Summary: "Did you put it in his locker?" Finn asked practically vibrating with excitement."Slipped it after your obvious display. I'm honestly shocked Poe didn't figure it out.""I'm hurt Rey, I'm a great actor practically destined to be a star! But like, wouldn't it be funny if it were like a book and you put it in the wrong locker? You did put it in 213 right?""213... Finn you pointed at 212" Rey said, her heart dropping to her stomach"Oh my god, no you didn't." Finn gasped, his eyes huge in horror. "212 is Ben Solo's locker."
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 119
Kudos: 471





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trope as old as time, story as old as rhyme....

“Rey, you’ve been thirsting for YEARS you need to just do it!”

Finn Storm, Rey’s closest confidant, fiercest ally and best friend since middle school, is right, as usual. Not like Rey will admit that, ever.

“Finn.” Rey elongates his name petulantly. It’s been this way for years.

“Peanut.” Finn says lifting an eyebrow. 

“Finn, there is no way that Poe Dameron, THE Poe Dameron would like me! He’s tall and handsome and perfect and-”

“Rey! _You’re_ beautiful, smart, witty, talented and c’mon, you have that killer accent. Seriously, what's not to love?” Finn takes a bite of his pb&j. “You.” He says between bites, using the sandwich to gesture at her “Need to tell him. We have less than a year left here and I’m not going to handle you pining in college too.”

Rey slumps down and presses her face to the cold plastic of the lunch table. She knows that Finn is right but it’s not as simple as he makes it out to be. Rey Kenobi is nothing, or at least next to nothing. She’s an outsider in so many ways that if she stops to think about it for too long it becomes too heavy to bear. The idea of completely baring herself to someone is too terrifying to think about.

Rey was five when her parents abandoned her. They’re faces a whisper in her memory. Did her mother have her freckles? Was her father tall? All she can remember from that time is how it felt when they left. Her face was too hot, her tears cool going down her face. A voice raw from screaming, her body weak from fighting tooth and nail to go after them.

She was left with nothing but her name. Kenobi. A name with a history that she would never know. After being abandoned in America with no next of kin here or in England she was placed in the system where she would remain until her eighteenth birthday which was in just a few months away. The thought of leaving was both exhilarating and frightening. Rey had been in the system for the past twelve years, moved from foster home to foster home, a life free from the rules and structure was nerve wracking but she craved the freedom. Rey never had any notion that she would be adopted, never wanted to anyway. In a deep, secret part of herself she believes that her parents will come back, she counts the days in a journal that's hidden away. Group homes weren't so bad, she preferred them to homes. Group homes never expected her to love anyone. There were never flashes of disappointment when she didn't show love or warmth. She hated that most of all. She wishes she knew what that kind of love was. Wishes she could give that love to a family, wishes she could open herself up like that, but she can't, she’s not even sure it’s possible for someone like her. She shows gratitude but it’s never enough for these families who have such high expectations for her. She’s never enough, never has been, never will be. She’s a scavenger, a nickname given to her when she was new to the system. It stuck, it fit. Rey didn't know love until she met Finn.

Finn Storm was a chubby, loud sixth grader. He loved exactly two things most in the world. His cat BB and Star Wars. His wide smile was the first thing that struck Rey. He had come up to her on that fateful day in sixth grade. It was lunchtime on their first day of school. Rey had been shy because this was her fourth school in as many years and she stood out. Her clothes were all wrong, her hair wasn't the acceptable down and stick straight and she was too tall and flat. She didn't feel like a girl, or like how they were supposed to be. She felt like an alien.

“I saw you sprint in P.E before and I've got to say it was amazing! Like i’ve never seen someone go so fast like one of those Olympic girls. Hi I’m Finn, Finn Storm.” 

Finn had said this loud and fast and sat down across from her at her table in the cafeteria. He was shorter than her. He sat down and began unwrapping his packed lunch and smiled at her with a warmth that made her heart ache. 

“You want a half? My mom makes the BEST peanut butter and jelly.” He held out a half to her.

Rey took the half and gave him a shy smile. “Thank you. I love peanut butter.” Thats the wrong thing to say, she thought. He’s going to think I'm a freak.

“Happy to hear it peanut!” He said with another million-watt smile. “I’ll call you peanut since you haven't told me your name.”

“I’m Rey.” She said with a sheepish smile.

From that point on Finn was her best friend, her first friend in her whole life. Finn showed her what love was like. It was warm and comforting and if she had to describe it, she would say it’s like biting into the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Rey opened her eyes, coming out of her reverie. Finn was still talking, unaware of her trip down memory lane.

“I’m just saying that we have chemistry together and I’ve brought you up a few times and-”

“You WHAT.” Rey lifted her head sharply.

“He’s my chem lab partner! He’s nice and you’re my best friend and I'm trying to get you an in!” 

“Finn.” She groaned, smacking her forehead against the table in defeat. She loved Finn more than anyone in this world but sometimes he was so oblivious. 

“Peanut! He’s a cool dude, he likes Star Wars, and he says he’s seen you run track and that you seem cool.”

“Finn!” She cried. Her entire face turning red. Poe knew who she was? Had seen her run track? Oh god. She thought. He’d _seen_ her run track. With her face all red and sweaty and her limbs too long and oh _God._

“You have to kill me. Tell Maz I love her. Say goodbye to BB for me.” She said from underneath her folded arms. Maz was the caretaker of her group home and one of the people she liked best in the world.

“You call _me_ dramatic Rey. I’m not committing a felony this close to graduation, besides BB would never forgive me and I do not need that kind of karma.” 

Finn put his hand on her, the warmth was comforting.

“Peanut, I’m sorry. It’s just, you’re my best friend and the best person in the galaxy. I know anyone would love you like I do.”

Rey lifted her head and smiled.

“However, if you don't confess to Poe before we go to college and I have to listen to you be emo about him for ANOTHER four years I’m gonna push you off a balcony.”

Rey laughed at that. She had been into Poe for years and Finn had to hear all about her one-sided love. It was just that Poe was so amazing. Poe Dameron was a senior like them and perfect in every way. He was taller than her, which was hard to find, had an amazing smile, floppy brown hair, tan skin, a beautiful voice and he always smelled like fresh laundry. 

On her first day of highschool Rey was lost trying to find her English class and dangerously close to being late. The halls were practically empty, and she had begun to panic. She began to jog around a corner praying it would lead her to the right hallway when she smacked into a hard body causing her to fall on her ass with her books going everywhere. 

“God i’m so sorry, I’m trying to get to Holdo’s class and-” She rambled on before a voice cut her off.

“Woah speed racer it’s okay.” Poe said with a winning smile and a hand reaching out to help her up.

Rey couldn't speak. This was the most handsome man she had ever seen before, and he was talking to _her_. She took the hand, it was soft and warm, she was in a daze. He placed her books into her hands. 

“Holdo’s room is just down that hallway. Good luck.” He winked and walked away. Rey decided in that moment that she was in love and always would love Poe Dameron.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rey walked to her last class of the day at war with herself. On one hand she could tell Poe that she has a crush on him and face possible, no who is she kidding, _probable_ rejection. The whole school would find out and she would have to drop out and crawl into a hole. Or she could not tell him and stay safe and unnoticed, skate through the rest of her senior year and cry to Finn for the rest of her life. _Or maybe_ , a small voice in the back of her mind said, _maybe he might like you too._ The thought made her face turn red and her stomach turn. The thought of Poe Dameron liking her too…it was too much to bear.

Smack! Rey felt herself hit something hard and heard her books tumble to the ground. 

“Jesus, watch where you’re going.” Someone said in a voice dripping venom.

She felt two hands on her biceps which stopped her from falling, they were warm and big.

She looked up into the face of Ben Solo, notorious loner and general weirdo.

“Thank you.” She said quietly trying to orient herself.

“God, you’re hopeless.” He let go of her arms and quickly moved past her. 

Rey picked up her books and looked back at Ben storming off down the hallway, a flurry of black. She stuck her tongue out at his retreating figure before entering the classroom. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

_I’m going to write him a letter._

Rey sent the text at ten p.m. After hours of beating herself up over it, she decided to try, to hope.

_to who?_

_Poe dummy_

_OMG OMG OGM OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1_

_This is a bad idea, isn't it?_

_NO!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA. THIS IS SO ROMANTIC. A LOVE LETTER???? I WISH I GOT LOVE LETTERS. SDHBFSDHKFBSDH_

_WAIT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY_

_OMG ARE YOU GONNA WRITE ONE LIKE JANE AUSTEN OR WHOEVER IT IS THAT YOU LIKE. “MY DEAREST POE, THINE SMILE IS LIKE THE SHINE OF THE MOON”_

Rey rolled her eyes and tossed her phone onto a pile of clothes near her bed. She knew Finn would be like this. He probably wants to help but this is something she decided that she needed to do by herself. She loved Finn but she wants this to be all her.

After two hours, a hundred crumpled up pieces of notebook paper and a few hairs pulled out her letter is _finally_ done. She tried to make it cool and girly but not too girly and direct but not too direct and if she reads over it one more time, she's going to lose it and give up. She folded the letter carefully and sealed it with a sun shaped sticker and stuck it into her backpack.

_This is it. This is it. Oh my god. What if he hates it? What if he laughs at me?_ Her mind was going a mile a minute, she had to calm down, be cool. She settled on taking a long hot shower to clear her mind. Tomorrow she will look cute and give him the letter and whatever will happen will happen, besides, this isn't the worst she’s ever felt.

After a fitful night of almost no sleep and her alarm waking her up too early, she was ready for school, or as ready as she could be. She decided to try to look nice and like a girl so that Poe wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with her if it went well. She blushed at the thought, daring to hope that maybe, just maybe it could work out for her. She put on the one dress she owned, a basic daisy print dress, attempted to do her eyes like those doe-eyed models with long lashes and pink cheeks. She decided to leave her hair up though, she had track practice later and it would be a hassle to try to curl it or something just to have to put it up.

She took one last look at herself in the mirror on the back of her door in the room she shared with another girl in her group home. She was tall, too tall. Her body had none of the curves that girls her age had. She looked plain. No amount of makeup would make her into a beauty and no clothing would make her not look too tall and too thin. She sighed, smoothing down her dress, the butterflies she was trying to stave off returning with a vengeance. She squared he shoulders, gave herself a smile and left. She had hope, even if she had nothing else.

Finn pounced on her once she got to first period.

“Rey! You can't just tell me you’re going to confess to Po-OW” Rey pinched his side in an attempt to quiet her loud and some would say obnoxious friend.

“Do you have to scream it to the whole class?” She hissed, attempting to keep their conversation private. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m just SO excited Rey, I’ve been telling you to do this forever and you’re finally listening to me- hold up you’re wearing a dress? Is that, oh my god, is that EYELINER?”

Finn yelped in pain again from another pinch from Rey, which received a few confused looks from some of the students. 

“You didn't make me do this, I wanted to and yes, I can wear dresses too, and makeup.” Rey said indignantly, smoother out her dress which had gone askew from her impromptu act of violence.

“Rey, you have never worn a dress ever, like ever. I didn't think you owned one. And you said you hate makeup because it just comes off when you run!”

Rey stuck her tongue out at him. He was right but she wasn't going to let him know that. His ego was healthy enough. 

“I found this dress at goodwill and Rose let me use her makeup, I’m just trying it out, no big deal.” She said with what she hoped was an air of nonchalance. Rose her roommate at the home was thrilled that she wanted to use her makeup.

Finn gave her a sly, knowing smile and didn't press further. 

“You look beautiful Peanut, you always do.”

Rey smiled at the compliment and settled into her seat trying to forget about the folded letter in her bag.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

“So how are you going to do it? Just hand it to him?” Finn asked as they walked to the cafeteria together. 

“I… I don't know yet.” Rey said, wrapping her arms around herself. “I haven't thought that far ahead.” That’s a lie. She had thought of so many different ways of doing it but didn't know which one was best. She would wing it in hopes that inspiration would come to her. It had not. 

“I know, how about I ask to borrow a book from Poe, you know cause we have chem together, I can get his locker number, or I could like slip it into a book or something!” Finn said excitedly, it was obvious he wanted to be part of this and at this point Rey had no other ideas.

“That...could work.” Rey said exhaling a breath she hadn't known she was holding. “It’s better than anything I’ve come up with.” Finn giggled with delight, practically dancing he was so excited. 

“This is going to be the BEST story to tell at your wedding!” Rey rolled her eyes.

For the rest of the lunch hour Finn plotted how he was going to get Poe’s book from him or what kind of wedding she and Poe should have. Rey let him go on and on because it was the best distraction, she had from the gnawing feeling in her stomach.

Once the bell rang, she knew it was time. Finn squealed and Rey squared her shoulders like she was going into battle. 

“Okay” Finn said going over the plan for the millionth time. “I follow Poe to his locker. ‘Oh Poe! I’m in need of your book I forgot mine!’” He said in a fake dismayed voice. “I turn to you, who will be near the water fountain, give you the signal, and then I’m out!” Rey had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes. Finn has insisted on a wink as their code. Apparently, her watching the interaction wasn't enough, however, she had no other options but to take his help. She nodded at him. 

“Let's do this!” Finn said a little too loudly.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

The plan was a go. Finn was at Poe’s locker attempting to look natural and talking way too loudly to appear natural.

“POE, I DESPERATELY NEED YOUR HELP, I LOST MY CHEM BOOK.” Finn said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Finn deserves actor of the year. Despite how ridiculous this exchange was it seemed to be going well. Poe was smiling and handed him his chem book. He closed his locker and the two left for their next class, but not before Finn looked back and shot Rey an obvious wink while pointing at Poe’s locker that she wished the ground would open and save her from this.

She took a deep breath and moved to his locker. With a shaking hand she stuffed the letter quickly into the slot before anyone could see it. She exhaled and briefly felt a weight life off her chest, that is until it dropped to her stomach after thinking about how she couldn't take it back. With a red face she speed walked to her next class praying that he wouldn't read it until well after school.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Ben Solo opened up his locker at the end of the school day ready to get his stuff and get the hell out. History, his last class of the day was a pain in his ass because a few kids didn't know when to shut up and because his teacher, Hux was a fucking moron. 

A folded-up piece of paper fell to the ground. He noticed the sun sticker and looked around him to see if some girl dropped it. The corridor was practically empty. Curiosity got the better of him and he opened it. 

_Hi. I don't really know how to start letters like this so sorry if this is awkward._

_I don't know if you remember who I am, but one time I ran into you in the hall and you helped me even though I almost ran you over and I never really forgot about how nice you were. I swear I’m not a stalker I just didn't expect you to be so kind, not that you’re not kind but I didn't know if you would be. It was a rough day._

_God this isn't coming out well. Anyway, I’m Rey. I’m Finn’s friend. I know he said he mentioned me to you a few times, I’m on the track team, the girl with the three buns?_

_Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really admire you, I have for a while. You’re so kind and handsome, and you’ve got great hair and god I sound insane. I hope this letter isn’t too weird. I understand if you don't feel the same way, that’s cool too. I just had to say something._

_If my lack of letter writing skills haven't scared you off then you should maybe text me if you want. xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_Sincerely_

_Rey_ _♡_


	2. Ch 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow I cant believe all of the support!! thank you!

_“Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really admire you, I have for a while.” What the hell?_ Ben Solo thought rooted to his spot in shock. “ _You’re so kind and handsome, and you’ve got great hair and god I sound insane.”_ He read this sentence over again hardly believing it. Reading the letter again, he whipped his head around to be sure that no one was attempting to prank him or there to read over his shoulder. _Great hair?_ He self-consciously touched his ears to make sure they were hidden by his long hair. For years he was mercilessly teased about his big ears. His mother insisted on him having short hair, his father, however, agreed that it was best that he kept them covered.

_“I don't know if you remember who I am, but one time I ran into you in the hall and you helped me even though I almost ran you over and I never really forgot about how nice you were.”_ He read the letter again and again trying to think of what this really was about. Ben is aware of his reputation as a bastard and that it keeps others away. _Good, people aren't worth the time and effort._ What really threw him for a loop was that possibly, potentially someone admired _him._ Ben took one last glance around before stuffing the letter into his jacket pocket to read more thoroughly when he was safely away from prying eyes.

_“I never really forgot how nice you were.”_ The words bounced around in his head. Somehow this person had come to admire him, someone actually thinks he’s nice and somehow bizarrely, handsome? Ben knew what he looked like, as grating as his personality. Tall, thin, hell lanky even. He was too much of _everything._ Too tall and thin. His hair, much longer than most guys but only to cover his way too fucking big ears, plus lest he forget his gigantic nose which takes up his whole face. He laughed bitterly. _There is no way this person is sane._ He scanned the letter again now that he was safely locked away in his room, his eyes lingering on the scrawled words: _“I never really forgot how nice you were.”_ He set the letter down and stared at his ceiling covered in glow in the dark stars and spaceships he had put up when he was a kid. _Nice? When have I ever been nice?_ The thought hurt; an old wound being picked at. He let the moment pass, not allowing himself to dwell on things that have passed or things that could have been. _This is how things are and how I am... thinking about it won't change anything._ Still, it was puzzling, he couldn't remember the last time he was purposely kind. “... _but one time I ran into you in the hall and you helped me even though I almost ran you over…”_ He closed his eyes deep in thought. _When has anyone ran into me who I helped?_ He thought over the past couple days and when he may have possibly helped anyone when a thought came to his mind. His eyes shot open. _The girl._

*** **** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** ****

Ben Solo was leaving his locker on his way to his next class, silently seething over Poe Dameron, resident fuckboy, being a general dick in Phasma’s class. Poe always had it out for him and made it known. Some days he would get digs in and others Poe would. They were evenly tied, which Ben hated to admit. He was so done with this day, ready to get out so that he could go train at his uncle’s boxing gym. His mom and dad had signed him up when he was in middle school to deal with his “unrelenting rage and aggression”. It didn't matter to him so long as he got to hit something. 

Thud! A small body crashed into his, his first reaction to stop it. He reached out and felt firm arms.

““Jesus watch where you’re going” He bit out, his bad day getting significantly worse.

Steadying himself and the person who ran into him he looked down demanding to know who would be stupid enough to run into someone. 

He first noticed her eyes, they were wide and brown, fuck he wouldn’t admit it out loud ever, but he swore they sparkled. Next, he noticed her freckles, delicately spread across her nose, covering her face that was flushing fast. She had her hair in three buns, it was brown, and it curled delicately near her temple. 

He was still holding her arms and he had no idea how much time had passed.

“Thank you” She said in a soft dazed voice.

_God she’s just staring at me, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the-_

Gaining control of himself and his temporary lapse in sanity he quickly dropped his arms from her.

“God you’re hopeless” He said with as much malice as he could, praying that she hadn't noticed his obvious staring.

Turning away, he pointedly ignored her books and pushed past her down the hall, desperate to be as far from her as possible. He could feel his face warming all the way to his ears. _What the fuck was that?_

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** *** *** *** *** *** *** ****

_Her._ It had been the girl that he had run into a few days before. He tried to search his mind for who she was. _A junior? Younger?_ He quickly ruled that out, he swore he had seen her sitting with seniors during lunch. _Definitely a senior, but who?_ He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. How could he not remember her? He stopped this line of thinking immediately. He grabbed for the letter that had fallen to the ground.

_“I’m Rey. I’m Finn’s friend. I know he said he mentioned me to you a few times, I’m on the track team, the girl with the three buns?”_

Rey. Her name was Rey. He scoffed to himself, of _course_ it would be. _Who the hell is Finn?_ He tried to place a face to the name. He had been in school with these kids for the past three years but had never tried to get to know any of them. 

He threw the letter down beside him as he got up only to pick it up and place it writing side up. An idea had struck him, his mother always insisted on buying every yearbook much to his dismay. He really didn't need to relive twelve years of bad haircuts, especially his summer chop which always showed off his god-awful ears. He scowled, readying himself for the inevitable horror of his school picture. 

Quietly, he made his way downstairs to his mother's study, sure than no one was home. He pulled down the yearbook from his junior year. The cover a matte black with a few tasteful pictures. A metal plaque with his name engraved shone bright against the background. Ben couldn't help but to roll his eyes. His mother always insisted that one day he would be glad that he had these books, maybe she was right but not for the reasons she thought. 

Flipping through the pages to the junior class he scanned the faces, all were unfamiliar, a few features he recognized seeing but no one that he could name. He scanned the rows for Finn, Finn...whatever his last name was. Moving from row to row he stopped on a face he recognized. Rey. She was smiling brightly, all dimples and white teeth. He felt like he was punched in the gut. _Of fucking course she has dimples._ Her eyes were crescents and her hair was up in the three buns which he had come to take for her signature look. _Who is she?_ His eyes bore into the tiny picture, willing it to make sense, to reveal her secrets. 

“I told you, one day you would be glad I bought those books.”

Ben froze and quickly shut the book. He was caught. He looked behind him, trying to keep the blush that was creeping up his face at bay.

“Ben it's not embarrassing to be sentimental. You’re so much like your father. Macho man all the time.” Leia said chuckling lightly.

She crossed the room and sat next to Ben, her arm coming around his.

“Let me have a look at that.”

Ben had a complicated relationship with his parents, especially his father. They never saw eye to eye, they fought constantly and they both let their anger get the better of them. His mother always said it was because he had too much of Han Solo in him. That he was his father in so many ways. It was insulting. Leia Organa though was the person he admired most in the world, though he would never admit it. She was a foreign ambassador and had dedicated her life to helping those less fortunate, fighting for their rights. She was in a word, selfless. More than that, she was dedicated to serving others as well as her family. Her skills of diplomacy served her abroad and at home. She was a ray of hope. 

Leia understood Ben in ways that no one else ever had. She was patient and understanding, firm when need be and wise from a life well lived. They sometimes didn't need to speak, she just knew. This connection, this force tying them together was something he treasured.

“Sure” He said, letting himself smile.

Together, they flipped through the pages, commenting on the bad hairstyles and fashions. Leia told stories of her days in high school, what it was like to be home schooled, then taught on a base, never staying anywhere for long. Ben listened and drank it all in.

“I know you hate your school and your classmates, but one day you’ll thank me for making you grow up as a normal kid.” Leia said, pulling her son in and pressing a kiss to his temple. 

Ben said nothing, he just hugged her back. 

His eyes drifted down, first moving to Rey and then a name that caught his eye.

Finn. Finn Storm. He had a wide smile that took up most of his face. He seemed genuinely excited to be there, taking a school picture. Ben scoffed to himself, he didn't want to admit it but Finn was a handsome man. He didn't have too big of a nose or gigantic ears. For a moment, he felt the burn of jealousy burst through him, hot and painful. What if Rey preferred Finn? As fast as the moment came, he just as quickly squashed it down. It didn't matter. He couldn't let it matter. _I have a face to the name, that's all I wanted._

“Come help me with dinner?” Leia asked, a hopeful look in her eye. Ben usually didn't help, didn't spend time outside of his room. Tonight though, he didn't want to be alone. 

“Sure” he said, smiling once more.

“Two smiles in one day? Who are you and what have you done with my son?”

He rolled his eyes and fixed his face into a scowl.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

  
  
  
  
  


Rey couldn't eat her breakfast that morning, much to the dismay of Maz who always fussed over how skinny she was. The thought of trying to eat while there were so many butterflies in her stomach made her feel even worse. She had barely slept again that night, tossing and turning, her mind going a mile a minute. _He read it and he doesn't feel the same and he’s going to reject me in front of everyone. What if he thinks i'm ugly and weird and is too embarrassed to say anything to me at all? What if I wrote down my number wrong and he’s tried texting me but it went to the wrong person? What if the number he texted belongs to a pretty girl and they fall in love._

Rey slumped into her chair, hiding her face in her arms. _I never should have written that letter._ The fear was eating her up inside, her little light of hope going dim.

“Rey? Are you sick?” Rose her roommate said.

“Sick? Maz said in a loud accusatory voice. “This is what happens when you are an athlete and you don't eat!” She immediately started heating a kettle and piling food onto a plate.

“I’m not sick I swear!” Rey said putting her hands up. “I’m…” She began, trying to think of an excuse. She was never a good liar, but she couldn't handle their pity right now. “...nervous about my track meet, that's all.” She began digging into her plate, now piled with food, to distract from her blush.

In truth, she did have a track meet today but she wasn't worried. The Tatooine Titans were nothing to be nervous over. Rey didn't think of herself as remarkable when it came to school or her looks but the one place she shined was track. Whenever she’s on the track she becomes free. The wind on her face is invigorating, her synchronized breath calming. Running gave her freedom from the world. She wished she could run away from every problem, every memory, even away from the people she loved. When she was running, she was her most authentic self. 

“You’ll take this packed lunch and you eat all of it, understand?” Maz had a gleam in her eyes that said she meant business, even through the thick coke bottle lenses.

“Yes Maz.” Rey said smiling through her nerves as she picked up the packed lunch. Today was going to be exceptionally long and dreadful.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rey arrived at school a little late on purpose. She knew Finn would be waiting at her locker ready to pounce and she couldn't handle his fervor just yet. The real reason was that she didn't want to see Poe yet. If it went the way she thought it would go she couldn't handle the rejection at 8:15 in the morning. _But if it's not b…_ She shook her head, stopping the thought in its tracks. She didn't want to think about if ...if he didn't reject her. Sure, she has fantasized about it for ages, over and over and in so many different ways but to actually be faced with that as her reality was too much. What would she say? What _could she_ say? _Hi Poe! I’m sooo glad you feel the same way about me. I’ve had a crush on you for years but in a non-creepy way._ She scoffed at herself. She had been into Poe for years; she knew way too much about him for him to find her not crazy. Like he was a Leo and that he was a star lacrosse player. She had a thought of maybe just skipping school, or town. That would never work though, if anyone could find her it would be Maz and at that point she would wish she was dead over the reckoning that would befall her. 

_Just do it Rey! It’s not that big of a deal! So what if he says no? You only have five months left and then you can go to college far far away and try to forget high school like everyone else!_

The late bell rang and she ran to class deciding to be brave.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

She saw him before he saw her. Finn was at her locker bouncing on his heels looking around wildly. He had already texted her about twenty times each getting more and more threatening.

**Finn:** _hey you here yet?_

**Finn** : _I’m at your locker :)_

**Finn:** _Rey so help me if you aren't coming today_

**Finn:** _REY KENOBI IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER ME I’M GOING TO STOP BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**Finn:** _REYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY_

Rey shook her head at her eccentric best friend and smiled. She put her phone away and sighed. _Just get it over with Kenobi._ She walked over to Finn who then began waving frantically despite her being five feet away.

"Did you put it in his locker?" Finn asked in a stage whisper practically vibrating with excitement.

"Slipped it after your obvious display. I'm honestly shocked Poe didn't figure it out." Rey said attempting to be calm and collected even though the butterflies were threatening to rip out of her stomach. 

"I'm hurt Rey, I'm a great actor practically destined to be a star!” But like, wouldn't it be funny if it were like a book and you put it in the wrong locker? You did put it in 213 right?"

"213... Finn you pointed at 212" Rey said, her heart dropping into her butterfly infested stomach

"Oh my god, no you didn't." Finn gasped; his eyes huge in horror. "212 is Ben Solo's locker."

Rey covered her face for a moment, she could feel frustrated tears welling in her eyes. Suddenly, she began to laugh. _Of course this would happen to me! I can't believe I ever thought it would go differently! My life is a joke and this is the punchline._

“Rey, babe you’re kinda laughing like a crazy person in the middle of the hall.” Finn said in a concerned voice.

She looked up and removed her hands from her face, she was giggling, and tears were streaming down her face.

“Alright. we’re getting you out of here.” Finn said, grabbing her arm and pulling her down the hallway as she continued laughing. Finn pulled her into the girl’s bathroom away from the prying eyes of the students. The late bell had just rung so they would have the bathroom free.

“Rey, honey are you okay?” He said as Rey slunk to the floor.

“I’m fine Finn, really.” Rey said scrubbing her face with her hands.

“You had a breakdown in the hallway and you’re sitting on the floor in a school bathroom.”

Rey smiled up at him, pulling his hand down so that he was sitting too. Together they sat a moment holding hands.

“You really put that letter in Ben Solo’s locker, huh?” 

The two burst out in laughter, deep and real.

“But really Rey what are you going to do?” Finn said wiping a tear away.

“I don't know.” Rey said smiling. She was relieved more than anything. Poe hadn't seen the letter. Hadn't rejected her. She felt the butterflies fly away. She took a deep breath and sighed.

“Did Solo text you?” Finn said. The inquisition starting again.

“Not at all.” Rey said cheerfully. The thought made her giggle. Giving Ben Solo a letter, a love letter.

Ben Solo was plain weird. He was tall and sullen and always angry. He wore too much black and didn't talk to anyone. She had exactly one interaction with him and it wasn't a fairy tale moment worthy of a love letter. Rey figured Ben ripped it up thinking it was a practical joke. She didn't like the idea of him thinking she tried to fool him but the relief coursing through her was too euphoric for her to care.

“What happens now?” Finn said. 

“I guess I’ll have to marry Ben Solo and start wearing all black and hating everything.”

The two broke out in laughter once more. The detention they would get from skipping class was so worth it.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its been forever i'm so so sorry! Here's a little something for you all! I'm still here and I appreciate your support!

Ben had decided to confront her. It was the only way. If she was making fun of him he would assure her in no uncertain terms that it was a very unwise decision. The anger made his blood boil. If it was all a sick joke by Poe Dameron he would give that fucker _exactly_ what he deserved. Still, there was a part of him that dared to hope. _What if she means it? What if she likes you, admires you?_ He never let the thoughts get very far. It was dangerous to hope for something like that. _Why would someone so beautiful admire a monster like you?_ The thought was a painful blow, but it wasn't the first nor would it be the last. He sighed as he looked himself over in the mirror.

_Too big nose. Big ears. Too pale. I look like a rat._ He smoothed out his black sweater, the one his mother bought him that he loathed, trying to soothe his nerves. _It doesn't matter you know. She won't you no matter what you wear. No one will._ He looked down, not meeting his reflection.

He decided to arrive early to school, scope out the area, find a good vantage point. The plan was to watch her from afar, see if she meant it or if it was all a joke. Ben didn't want to confront her, the thought terrified him but he had to, and it was best to know all he could before doing so.

As the halls started filling up with students he tried to surreptitiously pick her out of the crowd. It should be easy, he was a good foot taller than most of them. The chattering grew louder and he realized he couldn't pick out her voice. Was it soft? Warm? Sweet and girly? The thought sent a blush up his face that he stoutly ignored. There was someone at her locker who was bouncing on his heels like a child. Ben narrowed his eyes at the strangers back until he turned around. It was Finn Storm, he was a nondescript guy, who he didn't know. He had seen him in his previous years at school. Too peppy for his liking but significantly less annoying than the rest of his crowd. 

_Maybe he knows about the letter?_ Ben immediately positioned himself partially behind a pillar to keep an eye on the jumping bean.

More time passed and the halls were emptying once more with still no sign of the three bunned girl. Ben couldn't help but feel the disappointment settle into his stomach. She wasn't coming. _Maybe she’s really shy, maybe you affect her the w-_ He shoved the feeling down and made his way to his first period.

“Did you put it in his locker?” A voice called loudly. Ben froze in his spot.

"Slipped it after your obvious display. I'm honestly shocked Poe didn't figure it out.” 

This voice was warm and accented. _Of fucking course it is as if the fucking dimples and freckles isn't enough._ He quickly made his way behind the pillar once more, not daring to turn around. _Wait a minute, what about Poe?_

“"I'm hurt Rey, I'm a great actor practically destined to be a star!” But like, wouldn't it be funny if it were like a book and you put it in the wrong locker? You did put it in 213 right?" 

Ben froze. His locked wasn't 213. 213 belonged to…. _Poe fucking Dameron._

“213... Finn you pointed at 212" 

"213... Finn you pointed at 212" Finn let out a loud gasp. "212 is Ben Solo's locker."

He felt his body go cold at the realization, wanting to run as far from here as he possibly could but realizing he couldn't without giving himself away. _Maybe it’s a mistake? Maybe she meant you and Finn is wrong._ He knew that this wasn't true. It was useless to dream, to hope.

Rey began laughing, loud and brash. The sound disgusted him. He decided he hated her voice. It was too feminine and her accent was stupid. And her laugh was the worst. He clenched his fist, the feeling of powerlessness wasn't new to him. He was a joke to her. It was so laughable to be attracted to Ben Solo.

“Rey, babe you’re kinda laughing like a crazy person in the middle of the hall.”

Her cruel laughing continued. Ben felt something cool glide down his face, he scrubbed at it.

“Alright. we’re getting you out of here.”

Finn thankfully dragged her away, no doubt to laugh with her somewhere else. Ben considered skipping school so he wouldn't have to deal with Rey and her awful friends. The story would be all over the school by the lunch hour and by then he would be openly mocked. He didn't care. He wasn't weak. Couldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing him hurt. Overcome with a steely resolve he made his way to his first period.

**********************************

Rey had collected herself from her breakdown. Her body felt feather light and her head was dizzy. _Ben Solo’s locker. I put a confession letter in Ben Solo’s LOCKER!_ She giggled at herself again. Of course it was the wrong locker, and of course it was the locker of someone who hated her. Her life was quickly becoming something of a hallmark movie. She _hated_ those movies, unrealistic, cheesy, and full of romantic heroes who always sweep the beautiful heroine off her feet. She preferred reality. _Poe could sweep you off your feet._ She shook her head willing the thought to disappear along with all romantic notions.

She stood up and looked herself over in the mirror. Her buns were in disarray and the mascara she had borrowed from Rose was down her face. _Oh my god my face._ Placing a hand on her cheek she felt how warm her red blotchy face was. She was no heroine. She looked more like a monster. _Fitting, a monster and a monster._

Her mind went to Ben Solo. He was tall and weird and mean. Rey had never spoken to him before her one encounter with him in the hall despite him having been in a few of her classes, including her current biology class. However in the hall he had been rude and aloof just as everyone said he would be. She had always given him the benefit of the doubt. She didn't want to think badly of someone simply because everyone else did. 

She had thought that he wasn't that bad, a little odd but mostly quiet and brooding from all the scowling he did. He had always stuck out from the crowd from the all black attire to his towering height. _Is he really a monster?_ He doesn't look like one. Sure, Ben stood out but was that necessarily bad? Certainly not ugly, just not for her.

“Peanut, I’m so so sorry” Finn said while wetting some paper towels.

Rey tried to smile but couldn't. She had embarrassed herself, hurt someone else and was still no closer to confessing than she was before. It had all been a mistake. Finn gently dabbed the paper towel on her face, making sure to remove all of the ruined makeup. There was a squeeze in her chest. It would be okay. It would all be okay. She has Finn. Finn who loves her more than she thought she deserved.

“I really messed up Finn.” She said, scrubbing at her face with her hands.

“No you didn't. You made a mistake. I guarantee Solo doesn't care, he probably didn't read the note anyway.”

She sighed as Finn worked her hair back into three neat buns. She couldn't know that he didn't, couldn't know that he didn't care.

“What if he did Finn.” Rey said desperately. “What if he read it and it hurt him or-” She was cut off by a wave of Finn’s hand.

“Peanut, I am telling you Ben Solo does not care. He doesn't care about anything or anyone. He’s cruel and ugly and so not worth worrying about!”

Rey nodded but she couldn't be sure of how true Finn’s words were. She had only heard rumors about Ben, about him when he was younger having temper issues, of him selling drugs, beating up kids, flipping off teachers. She had never seen it for herself. Ben was always alone at lunch, always quiet. He read and listened to music and kept to himself. He was never disruptive in class and even though he may look agitated he was always composed. _Why do I know that?_

“What matters is that Poe doesn't know yet. You still have an opportunity! This was a minor setback and if you think about it Rey this mix up couldn't have happened with anyone better! There is no way Solo actually thinks you like him, I mean you’ve never even spoken! He won't say anything!” Finn assured her.

Rey sighed deeply again. Finn had a point. Ben probably wouldn't say anything and maybe he didn't care, maybe it didn't hurt him. Rey knew if she was in that position it would hurt her but Ben didn't care. _Right?_

“There, all better!” Finn said. 

Rey looked into the mirror, she looked less awful than before but it didn't change the awful feeling she had in her chest. And having to potentially face him in bio.

“Now let’s go before we get in real trouble” Finn said winking at her.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** *** *** *** ***

He hated her, loathed everything about her. Sure he didn't _know_ her but after her display he knew everything he needed to know. Rey Kenobi was cruel and uncaring. _Remind you of anyone?_ He ignored the voice in the back of his mind, too angry at the girl. _She didn't do it on purpose_ the voice in his mind said, betraying his rage. He knew she didn't do it on purpose, knew it was an honest mistake but her reaction… the memory of her laughing her soft laugh and growing bolder hurt to hear. He tightened his fist, unable to do anything about the anger coursing through him, not while he was in class. _I’m not a monster._ The soft, small voice said in the back of his mind. This voice was familiar to him, it was young him, hopeful him. He knew his reputation but it wasn't as if he could wake up one day and decide to be different. Ben knew he would never be accepted, nobody understood him. _What do these people matter anyway?_ He thought, knuckles going white. His jaw clenched, his eyes burned from unshed tears. Ben barely resisted the urge to slam his fist on the table. He was a trapped animal. _What do I do now?_ He stared out the window, completely ignoring the lecture. What could he do? Confront her? No, that would be ridiculous knowing that she never meant the letter to be in his hands. Ignore her? That would be the safest option. She likely wouldn't bring it up to him and he definitely wouldn't bring it up. _She's in my bio class._ He slumped down in his chair. Not only would the story likely be all over the school but he would have no choice but to be in the same room as her. He vowed then and there that he would ignore the girl and be as unaffected as possible, it would be expected anyway, Ben Solo didn't have feelings, or so he had heard.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not the end I promise!


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self imposed quarantine means more angst for y'all. stay safe babes

Rey couldn't shake the feeling that she had hurt him. She had no proof that she had but she didn't have proof that she hadn’t. This gnawing feeling followed her that whole morning, on top of the detention she received from skipping first period. 

As she made her way to the cafeteria, she saw a familiar figure up moving through the crowd which parted for him. Rey recoiled when she saw a freshman stumble in his attempt to move for Ben. _Maybe he’s just having a bad day? Or this is his normal behavior._ she attempted to rationalize but the knot in her stomach didn't believe her.

When she made it to her lunch table, she was met with a familiar wide smile which calmed her, and directly to the left a pair of eyes that were familiar. _Not today. Gods please not today._ Rey faked a wide smile that probably made her look more manic than charming. 

“Finn, Poe...Hi!” She squeaked out the last part sounding so fake enthusiastic that she was shocked Finn didn't send her a look.

Of course, Poe was sitting with them today, objectively the worst possible day. Rey stiffened at the realization that she had cried all of her makeup off, that she likely looked red in the face and that nothing about her looked presentable.

“Peanut you gonna sit?” Finn said, eyes going wide and eyebrows lifting toward his forehead.

“Oh, yes.” Rey said. She wanted to find a hole and fling herself into it.

“Peanut?” Poe questioned turning to Finn.

_If there is a god or gods, please please swallow me whole. I have lived long enough! I’ve suffered enough! Is it not enough that Ben hates me must I also be embarrassed in front of Poe freakin Dameron._

“She’s my peanut.'' Finn said to Poe, giving him a warm smile. “It was a nickname when we were kids and it stuck. It suits her don't you think? She’s as cute as a peanut.” Finn said, winking to Rey who was steadily turning red.

“Definitely.” Poe agreed, giving Rey a Megawatt smile. 

Rey giggled nervously and smiled back hoping that he hadn't notice her flushed appearance. She dropped her eyes and began to unwrap her sandwich, unable to handle all the attention.

Finn began talking to Poe about Chem class giving Rey a brief pause to eat. Poe was listening intently to Finns ramblings; he was currently trying to find a way to convince Ms. Connix that Star Wars counted as an educational movie. 

“What about you Rey? You a Star Wars fan?” Poe asked.

Rey was caught off guard and momentarily forgot how to breathe and swallow. She coughed and wished even more that she could just disappear. Poe reached out and put a hand on her shoulder while asking her if she was okay.

Rey, though blushing profusely now, was able to breathe unobstructed and smiled back at Poe in a way that she hoped looked carefree, as if she hadn't been choking.

“I’m a fan, not as big as Finn but I doubt any of us are.” She said, turning to her best friend.

Finn smiled at her and Poe smiled at him.

Finn looked past her for a moment and his eyes went wide, nearly dropping his sandwich he said “Ben Solo looks pissed.”

Rey stiffened again and refused to turn around, the blissful moment they had shared was ruined by the return of the knot in her stomach. 

“He’s always pissed.” Poe said, rolling his eyes.

“He’s glaring at us, oh my god.” Finn said breathlessly.

Rey turned to peak, meeting dark eyes. He didn't look pissed, he looked furious, and he was staring straight at her. She quickly turned around. _Could this be…. could I…_ her internal monologue was cut short by Poe.

“That guy is such a loser,” Poe said nonchalantly “I don't know what his problem is.”

Rey sunk into her chair, picking apart the sandwich she could no longer eat. 

“You can say that again.” Finn agreed. “He’s just a creepy psycho.”

Rey felt a flash of anger move through her. It wasn't Ben’s fault; this was _her_ fault. She had hurt him. Rey had wanted to believe that he didn't care, and maybe he didn't but the way he looked at her, she knew that she had caused this. 

“Peanut, hey, you okay?” Finn said, sounding concerned, effectively pulling Rey out of her reverie. 

“I’m okay.” She said, her voice sounded weak and shallow to her.

“Something the matter? Solo bothering you?” Poe said, looking to Rey. “I’ll take care of that creep if he’s giving you trouble.” He shot a glare at someone behind her. She didn't have to guess who.

“No!” Rey said, a little too quickly and loud. “I mean, he’s not bothering me, he probably doesn't know I exist.” She lied.

Finn gave her a concerned look, she returned what she hoped was a passive smile.

“That’s so kind of you Poe!” Finn said in place of Rey.

“It’s nothing.” Poe said, giving Finn a dazzling smile. “If anyone was bothering you, I’d do the same.”

Rey continued to pick at her lunch as the two carried on. She felt sicker than she had before. Her fears were confirmed, she had hurt him. _Does it even matter?_ A voice said in the back of her mind. It did, it mattered to her. She didn't want to hurt anyone, and she had hurt someone who was regularly hurt by others. Even if he didn't show it, she reasoned, it must still get to him.

When the bell rang, her stomach dropped once more. _Bio. He’s in my bio class._ She briefly considered skipping bio, but she didn't want to risk another detention or miss her track meet against Tatooine. _I’ll just...lay low._ She knew she had to fix this mess, or try, but nothing was going to be fixed right now, and she didn't want to face his ire in her least favorite class.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Rey made it through the two classes she had before bio, though she couldn't recall anything that was said. She was just proud of herself for not skipping.

She made her way to bio, her legs feeling like they were full of lead and her stomach so twisted that it was a wonder that she hadn't thrown up. Rey made her way to her seat, giving only a cursory glance around the room, no masses of black. _Maybe he skipped, she_ hoped. At this thought Rey sighed and raked a hand through her hair, which was mussed up from her earlier break down. _Why am I so afraid of him?_ Rey wasn't the fearful type, she wasn't afraid of bullies growing up, or Unkar Plutt, she wasn't even afraid of Poe, but Ben Solo…. She glanced around the room once more and saw that he was there, looking down at his phone. _Maybe he hasn't seen me?_

Ms. Connix began the lesson and Rey tried to focus on it, but she was keenly aware of Ben in the room and couldn't relax. She was aware of her uneven breath, her unkempt appearance, her fast heartbeat. She looks back at him to see if he’s glaring at her, he's wasn’t, he was looking ahead at the slides. Rey turned back around and let out a breath, flexing her fingers which had been balled into fists. He wasn't glaring at her. He didn't seem angry anymore either, which was a complete 180 from his glare at lunch. _Maybe he’s over it?_ Rey thought, hardly able to believe that he was so calm, so _relaxed._ She looked back at him once more to confirm it, he was taking notes, completely unaware.

“Miss Kenobi, do you have a question?” Ms. Connix said. Rey whipped her head back to the front with an audible crack. 

“N-no Ms. Connix” Rey squeaked, heat radiating off her face.

“Then I suggest you keep your eyes up front.” Ms. Connix said before resuming her lecture. 

Rey kept her head forward for the remainder of the period, not giving in to the urge to look back. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

He had fought the urge to ditch school, had made it through the first half of the day completely unphased. He did accidently push a freshman down, not physically but the kid had jumped out of his way and fell. Pathetic. Thankfully no one had bothered him that day, yet.

By the time lunch period came around Ben was feeling unaffected and calm. He figured that he wasn't as upset as he had felt. Putting on the mask of a monster was easy and gave him relief from feeling rejection, it had all his life, who was he to mess with a good thing? His resolve was cool and calm until his eyes drifted to her table. Of course. Poe fucking Dameron was sitting there, right across from her. _I guess he got the message._ He thought bitterly. The letter that he had begun to think of as his was never meant for him. Those kind words that opened him up, that left him feeling bare and vulnerable and _seen_ were never for him but for that arrogant fuck. 

Ben tried his best to ignore the table, tried his best to focus on his lunch, his phone, the roar of the cafeteria, _anything_ but the stupid too wide smiles he was giving her. He could swear that he heard her laugh, not the cruel laugh he had heard at his expense but a light and girlish laugh that didn't quite fit her. _As if you know enough about her to tell whether she’s really laughing or not._ He looked up and was met with a look from Finn whose eyes grew wider and wider the longer he looked. He was then met with a meek glance from Rey. She looked, scared, or nervous but there was something else in her eyes that he couldn't define. She quickly looked away and was met with a defiant glare from Poe. Ben could see Rey visibly shrink. Was it because of him? Or was it because of Poe. If Poe had said something to her, something to hurt her he would… _I want to beat the shit out of him._ Ben thought, grinding his teeth and staring Poe down. _You want to because of her._ A traitorous voice said from the back of his mind. _No! I don't know her; I don't care about her. I hate her._ Through his anger he could tell that he didn't quite mean it, not when it came to her.

Ben was dreading bio with Ms. Connix. It was his last class of the day and tempted as he was to leave, he didn't. _It’s no big deal, she’s nothing, this is nothing._ He didn't believe himself but now wasn't the time to analyze. He sat at his desk and pulled out his notebook. She was there. He could see her in his periphery. Ben fought to urge to look at her, to stare until he had figured out the mystery that was Rey. Why he couldn't fight his awareness of her, why she consumed his thoughts. Ben ran a hand through his hair willing the thoughts to leave him in peace. Ms. Connix began lecture but Ben, who was taking notes and staring at Ms. Connix still couldn't focus on what she was saying, something about mitosis he thought. He was too aware of her. He could feel her presence in the room. Every breath, every movement he was aware, and it hurt not to look, it hurt to ignore his desire.

She looked back at him. He could tell that she was looking directly at _him,_ felt her gaze on his face. Ben fought the urge to swallow, to fidget under her scrutiny. As quickly as the glance came it was gone. He dared to look at her figure now turned away from him. Rey relaxed, her posture no longer rigid, her hands stretched out. _Was she afraid of me?_ He wondered. She had been on edge but once she saw him ignoring her, she no longer was stiff. _She’s afraid of me._ The thought hit him with enough force to make him catch his breath. He kept his head down and refused to look at her again though his awareness of her never ceased, he felt her every movement and glance. 

“Miss Kenobi, do you have a question?” Ms. Connix asked. He saw Rey jump out of the corner of his eye. Rey replied in a high voice, stiffening again. _She’s terrified._

Ben looked stared down at his paper once more and attempted to ignore the flush on his face. He had never hated himself more in his life. To have scared someone to this point… _You’ve never minded scaring others away._ The cruel voice at the back of his mind said. _Why is she any different?_ Ben gripped his pen so tightly that his knuckles turned white. 

_I have to get out of here, away from her._ He glanced at the clock and let out a breath. Only a few moments to go and he would be free of her. _For now._ The voice retorted.

Years of therapy and counselors had taught him that if he didn't deal with his frustrations in a _healthy and productive way_ that it would likely send him to juvie. A few years back Ben had begun training at his uncle Luke’s boxing studio. It allowed him to fight without the consequences. He hadn't been in a few weeks, but it was time to go back. _Not because of her,_ he thought _because I won't make my mother cry again._ The first time he had been arrested was for fighting off a couple of guys who had been giving him shit. He had never snapped before but in that moment he didn't care. Everything was red and every punch that landed eased the pain that he had been carrying. It wasn't until he was being pulled away by the police that he saw what he had done. One guy had a bloody nose that was gushing hot and metallic onto the pavement, the other had an eye so black and swollen that Ben didn't believe that it could have come from him. When Leia had come to pick him up at the station, he saw her crying. He hated seeing his mother, his strong and powerful mother, reduced to tears. They were usually caused by his father, leaving for weeks at a time. He had hated that his father made her cry, hated that he could leave her like it was nothing, leave him. That was the first and last time that Ben Solo was arrested. The judge ordered community service and mandatory counseling, a light sentence in comparison to the damage he had caused. From that moment on he vowed that he would never make his mother cry again. He wasn't going to become his father; he was someone she could depend on. 

After that incident he had begun training with Luke to relieve stress, plus punching things was more enjoyable than talking about his feelings he thought. When class was over, he decided that he would make his way to the gym to collect his exercise gear before heading to Luke’s. When the final bell rang Ben took his time to put his supplies away, not looking to Rey in hopes that she would be long gone by the time he left the classroom. When she was gone, and the room was nearly empty he left. 

After changing into a tank and shorts he left the gym from the back entrance. The athletics fields were full of people and the bleachers around the track were decently full. Ben looked to the track and he saw her. She was long and agile and _fast._ Her hair, in three buns, was flying away from her face. Her face. She looked calm, more than that she looked free. In that moment Ben couldn't recall ever having seen something more beautiful or natural as Rey in motion. The moment was interrupted by the turn of her head to face him. In those brief few seconds he saw her falter and stumble across the finish line. Before she could look at him again Ben left, feeling guilty for scaring her so much, ashamed that he had thought that the girl who hated him was beautiful.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rey needed to run, desperately. After humiliating herself in bio she had to get away from Ben and any Ben related thoughts. It was frustrating, having him take up so much of her mind, or rather her guilt about him. _I have to fix this,_ she thought, _but how?_ These thoughts had been clouding her mind all day and being in his presence only sharpened the thoughts. She had hurt him, hurt him so badly that he would rather ignore her existence. _Or maybe he really doesn't care._ A voice from the back of her mind reasoned, _He probably doesn't think anything of it, or you._ As much as she wanted to believe it, she didn't know for sure, but she didn't know how she could find out. _Talk to him, duh._ The voice said. Rey decided that that would be a supremely stupid idea. 

Rey made her way to the field clad in her track uniform and began to stretch to ease the tension of the day.

“REY!” a voice yelled from the stands. Rey looked up to see Finn in the stands waving so hard he was nearly knocking into the person next to him, which was Poe Dameron. Rey internally cringed. _The gods must really hate me, this is my divine punishment._ She thought, faking a smile and waving up to Finn who smiled wide and proceeded to elbow Poe who was smiling at her too. She nodded to her friends one last time before her coach called her into position. This would be fun and easy and _exactly_ what she needed. The Tatooine Titans were from a nearby town that was composed of farmers and not much else, this would be a piece of cake.

The starting pistol was fired and Rey ran. The world began to melt away. The roar of the crowd was replaced with the beat of her heart, steady and constant. The tension she had been holding was relieved with each step. The cool air hitting her face and filling her lungs erased the stress from Poe and Finn and Ben. In that moment she was nobody, she wasn't Rey Kenobi, a 17-year-old mess of a person. Poe didn't matter, Ben hating her didn't matter, all that mattered was the feel of her feet hitting the ground and the sun on her back. That moment was coming to an end though, the finish line was coming fast, and reality would set back in. Before she crossed the line, Rey felt eyes on her, breaking through the calm. She turned her head and saw him. He looked different. He had changed into gym clothes. _He really is big._ She thought. His eyes were fixed on her, but he didn't look angry. Immediately, Rey became aware of herself. Her messed up hair, red face, ridiculous outfit. Her peace was gone, she was hurtling over the finish line with no grace and no relieved feeling. She heard the stands erupt in cheer and looked to see Finn out of his seat shaking Poe in his excitement of her winning. Rey looked back to where Ben was, but he had gone.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this too literally forever! uni kept me busy but I'm back now babes!

Even though she knew he was gone she couldn't help looking for him in the small crowd that had formed after their victory. Every face paled in comparison to the one in her mind's eye. Too small noses, too wide faces, lips that weren't the right color, eyes that were too light. The features of the crowd began to blur, and a sad, desperate feeling began to take hold in her chest.

“Peanut that was amazing!” Finn cried, his smiling face breaking through the blur. It was like the clouds parting for the sun. The pressure that had been building began to dissipate. 

Rey smiled and let out a breath in relief. “You say that every time.” She said. Finn had always been her biggest supporter and number one fan. He never missed a meet and never failed to make her smile after no matter if they had won or lost.

“Because it’s true every time!” Finn replied, still beaming at his friend. “Poe thought so too, right Poe?”

Finn turned his head to smile at Poe who was standing right beside him. Rey looked to Poe who she hadn't noticed was there and gave him a sheepish smile.

“You were great Rey.” Poe said before giving Finn a crooked smile. “Though it was hard to focus with your cheerleader bouncing around in the stands.” 

Finn, still beaming, gave Poe a playful shove. Rey laughed at the exchange though her mind was still elsewhere.

“I’m taking you out Peanut, we’re celebrating and no you cannot get out of it.” Finn declared. Rey had a bad habit of bailing on group outings. “Poe’s gonna come too, right Poe?” Finn said, throwing his arms around both of his friends.

Rey, who knew it was futile to refuse, agreed to dinner, even though she would rather go home to worry in peace. Finn was so happy though, and Rey was worried she would ruin her celebration dinner with her morose mood. Rey didn't want to think about why she felt sad. Examining her feelings was a dangerous activity. 

“It’s okay to be nervous Rey but you’re doing great.” Finn whispered near her ear.

Nervous? She wasn't nervous and had no reason to be. She had no reason to feel disappointed either.

“Poe really enjoyed the meet and actually suggested that we go out after!”

Rey stiffened under his arm. Poe. Finn thought she was nervous about Poe. She was supposed to be nervous about Poe. Rey gave what she hoped was an encouraging smile and ignored the feeling in her gut.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Ben felt each blow move through his body. The contact of his gloved hand hitting the plastic punching bag. The rivulets of sweat moving down his back. His damp hair sticking to his forehead.

Why couldn't he stop thinking about her? He hated her. _That's not true._ The voice in the back of his mind said. It didn't matter if he hated her or not, she hated him. She was afraid of him. The image of her stiff posture in class proved it well enough. He was a monster; he had made another person unhappy. _You’re not a monster anymore._ The voice in his mind urged. He fought the feeling by landing another blow. The feeling of hatred began to rise within him like bile ready to burst. Why did it matter what she thought? The opinion of one girl, no matter how beautiful shouldn't matter. For the first time in a long time Ben felt weak. Somehow this girl had wormed her way into his mind and for that he wished he could hate her. 

“I haven't seen you this upset in a long time.” A voice called from behind him, Ben tried his best to ignore it.

“C’mon kid, if the first hour of beating my equipment to a pulp didn't help, I don't think another hour will either.”

Ben stopped and turned around. His uncle Luke was leaning against one of the corner poles of the boxing ring that was in the center of the gym.

“You don't have to tell me what's wrong.” Luke said. Ben rolled his eyes; he knew a long lecture was to come.

“I know your father is rough around the edges but he’s a good man.” Luke began. “You’re too similar, Leia thinks so too. I think that-”

“It’s not about dad.” Ben said, effectively cutting off Luke.

“Is it school?” Luke said, his brow furrowed. “I know kids can be a pain but it’s not worth-”

“It’s not about school!” Ben said, letting out a frustrated groan. This was the last conversation he ever wanted to have with anyone, let alone his uncle.

Luke looked quizzical before a smile spread slowly across his face.

“This is about a girl isn't it?”

“No.” Ben said a little too quickly and a little too loudly. He hoped his recent workout hid the flush that he felt coming off his face.

“Now Ben.” Luke said, smiling wide. “I can't believe this day has finally come. Han thought that maybe you were batting for the other team but Lei-”

“God, it's not about a girl and I don't want to talk about it.” Ben said, he could feel his temper rising.

“You know Han probably knows more about women than I do but-” Luke stopped when he saw the look on his nephew's face.

“Alright, alright.” He said, putting his hands up in a defeated gesture. “It’s not about a girl.”

Ben looked away and wouldn't meet his eye.

“But if it was about a girl, or a boy,” His uncle began, to which Ben gave him a nasty look. “I’m just saying, you’re a good kid. Love takes time and dating sucks even more in high school.”

Ben took a drink of his water, attempting to ignore his meddling uncle once more.

“I’ll leave you to it then.” Luke said.

“Don't,” Ben began, still not meeting Luke's eyes. “Don’t tell mom.” He said, finally looking at his uncle.

“Sure thing kid.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rey stared absentmindedly at her dinner. She had managed to eat a few bites of the burger despite not being hungry. She hadn't really tasted it, but she gathered from Finns enthusiastic praise that it was good. Her mind was too busy to focus on the conversation Finn and Poe were having. The chatter of the restaurant had faded to an ambient roar, her thoughts were loud in comparison. She couldn't stop thinking about the enigma that is Ben Solo. Why had he been in gym clothes? Was he in a club? The idea sounded ludicrous to her. If he wasn't in a club then why had he been near the track field? Of all her questions one came to the forefront of her mind; why did she care? What did it matter what Ben Solo was wearing or what he was doing? He hated her; of that she was sure, probably sure. He hadn't noticed her in class. He seemed calm and normal. She had expected him to be angry. To give her a dirty look, to confront her, throw a desk, anything but ignore her. _Maybe he’s not ignoring you. Maybe he doesn't care,_ The voice in the back of her mind reasoned. It was possible that he was over it, or that he hadn't been hurt by the letter in which case she had nothing to be upset about. Even so, the anxiety didn't leave.

“Earth to Rey” Finn said, waving his hand in front of Rey’s face pulling her from her thoughts. Suddenly she was back in the restaurant with her friends and all thoughts of Ben Solo disappeared.

“I said are you gonna finish those?” Finn said pointing to her untouched fries.

Rey pushed the plate towards Finn who happily began to devour them. Her eyes moved to Poe who was smiling fondly at Finn. _Is he?_ The voice in her mind began.

Poe glanced at his phone and let out a groan. “I’m sorry guys but I’ve gotta bail.” He looked at Finn who was a breath away from pouting. “Rey, congrats again and Finn don't give me that look I’ll text you later.” This seemed to appease Finn. Poe smiled at them once more before leaving.

“You gotta tell me what’s going on Rey.” Finn said, as they made their way to her house. 

“Nothing’s wrong” Rey lied.

Finn gave her a knowing look. “Is it Poe? Should I not have invited him?” 

“No, no.” Rey said quickly. “Poe is great, you two were having a great time.”

“Exactly peanut, _we_ were, and you weren't.” Finn exclaimed.

Rey looked down at her hands and didn't say anything.

“Peanut, you can tell me anything. You know that.” Finn said softly.

“It’s just,” Rey began, sighing. “I can't stop thinking that I hurt him.”

“Who? Ben? Rey, that guy is a NOBODY! A straight up loser. He’s a jerk and so not worth you caring about this much.” Finn said, grabbing Rey's hand to hold, his other on the steering wheel. 

“I don't care.” Rey said in what she hoped was a convincing voice. She didn't want to care.

“You obviously care Rey; you barely ate tonight, and I know how much you love those burgers.” Finn said, squeezing her hand. “And you’ve just seemed upset for a few days and I hate seeing you upset.”

Rey said nothing but laid her head on his shoulder. 

After a moment of companionable silence Rey spoke.

“I saw him at my track meet today.”

“Oh my god Rey, when? Why didn't you say something sooner!?” Finn exclaimed loudly.

“He didn't look angry.” Rey replied quietly.

“I don't care if he didn't look angry! That creep is just trying to intimidate you Rey.”

“I don't know,” Rey began. “He ignored me in bio and I only saw him for a moment at the meet.”

“Rey that dude is trash. He’s probably trying to mess with you or something, Poe said that he’s always been a jerk. I know you feel guilty or whatever about the locker situation, but you need to stop! That dude is not worth your time!”

Rey let Finn go on, nothing she said would change his mind. What could she say anyway? ‘Oh Finn, I think he hates me, but I don't think he’s so bad!’ The words sounded ridiculous to her. Despite him seeming calm and unaffected Rey still couldn't stop the onslaught of questions running through her mind. 

“Just promise me you’ll stay away from him Rey, please?” Finn pleads. He looked concerned and Rey hated that she made him feel that way.

“I will, I promise.” Rey said. It’s not like she has any reason to talk to Ben.

Finn places a kiss to her forehead before driving off. 

Showering did nothing to stop the swirling thoughts or the confusing feelings. Rey tucked herself into bed, resigned to have a terrible night's sleep despite how tired her body felt when it hit her. In that moment she realized why she cared if he hated her. She realized why she couldn't stop noticing him now despite never having noticed him before. She knew why she couldn't stop the thoughts no matter how hard she tried. In that moment she knew what she had to do. She had to talk to Ben Solo. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes. been awhile hasnt it? here is some angst to make up for it!! I havent given up on this fic, dont you worry.

Ben walked into school the next day sore from the previous night's workout but still tense. Despite the hours of work at his uncle’s gym and his decision to stay far away from the girl it still hadn't brought him peace. He had resolved to leave her alone after seeing how afraid she was, how much she hated him. It was an easy enough decision. He didn't know her anyway; they’d never spoken so it would be no different. _She won't see me as a threat anymore._ The thought hurt. Knowing this girl saw him as a monster, so much so that she was afraid at school because of him. He didn't want to be a monster, not anymore. Staying away was the best way to ensure that. _Why should you feel bad?_ A nasty voice in the back of his mind said. The letter was an accident. _She laughed at you, though didn't she? Laughed at the idea of being attracted to you. Who would be? Who wants a monster like you?_ Ben tried to reason away the thoughts. It didn't matter that she wasn't attracted to him, why would it? He never tried to make anyone like him anyway, what other people thought didn't matter. At the end of the day Ben knew how the world worked. Pretty girls like Rey don't end up with guys like him. They go off to college, find an equally attractive guy, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. That’s how it is and how it should be.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

“Solo!” An angry voice called from behind him. The bell had rung a minute before leaving the hallway deserted.

Today was not the day. He had kept his head down, had not looked for her, hadn’t even talked to anyone. All in all, it had been a decent day so far. Until now.

“I’m talking to you!” The voice called again. Ben stopped in his tracks. Poe fucking Dameron. Immediately, he could feel the anger rising within him once more. So much for his decent day.

“What the fuck do you want Dameron?” He said, turning to glare at the only other person in the hall.

“What the fuck do I want? What the fuck do _you_ want!” Poe spat back venomously before continuing. “Heard you were at Rey’s meet last night. Stalking her at school isn't enough for a bastard like you, you have to fuck with her outside class too?”

Ben was taken aback. Stalking? Had Rey told them that he was stalking her? The anger that had been rising was starting to reach his limit. He didn't want to fight Poe, but it was getting hard to resist. His fists tightened until his knuckles were white, the deep breathing his therapist had taught him wasn't staunching the urge to bash Poe’s face in.

“You try any more shit with her, and I won't hold back Solo. Rey has enough to deal with without a psychotic loser fucking with her.”

_Psychotic loser. She thinks I’m a psychotic loser._ The words cut at him, but his anger didn't allow him to dwell. If she thought he was a loser fine. It didn't matter to him. She was nothing. 

“I couldn't give less of a fuck about Rey Kenobi.” Ben said, his voice low and measured. Beating the shit out of Poe would only hurt his mother and this asshole wasn't worth that but a warning wasn't out of line. “But if you fuck with me again Dameron I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

“I’m not scared of a pussy like you Solo.” Poe shot back haughtily.

“We’ll see.” Ben said before pushing past him. 

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Ben spent his lunch hour running around the track, hoping that it would calm him enough to not go in there and beat the fuck out of Poe fuckface Dameron. Running did nothing to stem the vitriol inside him. The pain was becoming harder and harder to ignore. Poe’s cutting words playing on a loop in his mind. _Psychotic loser._ It wasn't his fault she put her letter in his locker. He hadn't don't anything to her. Hadn't even confronted her about the letter but she thought he was the psychotic loser. For what? For existing in the same space?

He also felt shame. Shame that she was so afraid of him that she needed Poe to deliver her message. She truly hated him. Ben recoiled at the thought. There were many things to hate about him but she didn't know him, she hated him anyway. He wouldn't look at Rey Kenobi ever again, she doesn’t exist to him. He told himself it was better this way. He thought he was lying to himself. Frustrated, Ben decided to call his uncle to come get him, he needed to beat something and if it wasn't a bag it was going to be Dameron. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rey woke up after a fitful night of sleep. After deciding to talk to Ben she was disappointed to find that he hadn't been in school that day. For some reason it had disappointed her, but she reasoned that this was better, she had more time to think of what to say. What could she say? What _should_ she say? “Hi, I’m Rey Kenobi and I was the one who put the letter in your locker, but it wasn't what you think-” Rey wasn't even sure what she wanted to say. Sorry? Yes, she wanted to say sorry, but it was more than that, maybe. 

Rey eyed her phone and saw that it was too late for her to get a run in before going to school. She had no way of getting rid of the energy. Or was it anxiety? She thought about it for a moment. She wasn't afraid of him, not anymore. Despite the rumors and his reputation, he wasn't scary to her any longer. Something had shifted though she didn't know what. Rey didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about why she was no longer afraid of him or why she couldn't stop thinking about him or noticing him. That way lies madness. All she knew was that she had to talk to him. No matter what was said, she knew it would feel better than this. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Upon arriving at school, it hit Rey that she had no idea _when_ to talk to him, or when to try to talk to him. She knew they shared lunch and Bio, but she could hardly waltz up to him during either. And there was still the issue that she didn't know _what_ to say. The thought that maybe this was a foolish idea had begun to stick.

As students filed into the school Rey looked intently into the crowd. _Finn, I’m looking for Finn. Finn can knock some sense into me._ Her mind reasoned. She was definitely not looking for a tall figure all in black and she was absolutely not disappointed not to see one.

“Peanut what are you doing?” Finn said, appearing beside her.

“I’m uh, looking for you obviously!” She said, sweeping her eyes over the dwindling throng once more.

“Uh huh, whatever you say.” Finn began, looping his arm with Rey’s as they made their way to their first period class. “So, I talked with Poe last night.”

Rey hummed noncommittally, trying to ignore the disappointed feeling she had. _Maybe he’s sick?_ She reasoned. _Or maybe he didn't come to school to avoid you._ She shook her head at the thought. Ben Solo didn't care about her enough to avoid school. 

“Hello, Peanut? Did you hear me?” Finn said in an exasperated tone.

“What?” Rey said coming out of her thoughts. 

“I _said_ that I talked to Poe last night and he said he was interested in getting dinner again.” Finn said, raising his eyebrows for emphasis. 

“So?” Rey said, confused.

“Oh my god Peanut! Your crush of years, YEARS said he was interested in getting dinner with you and that's how you react? Are you okay?” Finn said while putting a hand to her forehead. 

Rey swatted his hand away easily. _Dinner. Poe Dameron wants to have dinner with me. Me._ She mulled the thought over. This was what she wanted right? She should be screaming or jumping up and down. Dreams don't come true like this for girls like her. She should feel honored or at least excited. She didn't. 

“That’s amazing!” Rey said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. 

“That's more like it!” Finn said, buying her act. “You shouldn't push yourself too hard or you'll miss important things! Like Poe freakin Dameron asking you out!”

Rey smiled a wide fake smile as Finn prattled on about what outfit she should wear, where they should go, what she should order to minimize bad breath for a goodnight kiss. The thought made her face heat up.

“Aw you’re blushing! Rey, I know it'll be your first kiss, but I promise it won't be awkward! I have a stack of my mom's Cosmos for us to go through…”

Rey smiled and nodded. Her first kiss. Her first date. With Poe Dameron. It didn't feel real. She looked over at Finn who was talking animatedly and smiling and looking far more excited than she felt. Her heart sank into her stomach. She should be excited. This was what she wanted. Before they entered the room, she looked back through the hallway one more time.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Rey plopped down at her seat at the lunch table. She was upset with herself and nervous and she hadn't a clue what to do. As she began to unpack her lunch, she looked up to find Finn when a large figure all in black caught her eye. Ben. He was here. He was sitting alone at his usual table scrolling through his phone as he picked at a sandwich. Rey felt herself lighten again, a smile coming to her face. Normally she would look away but not this time. She hoped she could catch his eye and… what? She didn't know. He hadn't noticed her staring. 

“I swear this isn’t chicken, tell me what chicken is perfectly round?” Finn said, setting his tray down on the table.

“C’mon it’s not that bad. It’s better than the square “steaks” they have on Thursdays.” Poe said making as face as he sat next to Finn.

Rey smiled at the two before glancing over at Ben again. 

“Rey tell me would you eat this?” Finn said indignantly.

She looked at the inoffensive sandwich and shrugged. “Protein is protein”

“Ugh all you jocks are the SAME.” Finn said in an exaggerated fashion.

“That's not true!” Poe said with mock offense. “I totally loved that cauliflower pizza thing you made that one time.

Rey didn't try to follow the drama of the vegan pizza fiasco and instead turned her eyes back on Ben, but he was gone. She looked around the cafeteria to spot him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Her balloon of excitement popped, and she went back to picking at her lunch. 

Bio came and with it the nervous excitement. _Would he be there? Of course, he would. Don't be daft Rey._ She sat in her assigned seat trying not to look around the room like a crazy person. She felt him enter, she didn't look back. _What is wrong with me?_ Rey thought as she curled into herself to attempt to stop her nervous shaking. She could feel his every move in her awareness. _One glance, as long as I don't stare for too long._ Rey looked back at him for a moment. He was looking out the window, away from her. She wanted to say something, anything but at that moment Ms. Connix began the class. _After class._ Rey promised herself. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Ben thanked the gods that he had an emergency therapy appointment that morning. He had been able to skip his first class and was able to talk through some of his anger, well, yell. He had decided to ignore _the girl._ There was no point in acknowledging her anyway, she was nothing. _Is she?_ He ignored the voice in his head, intent on having a good day free from thoughts about _her._ The first half of the day passed easily enough. He hadn't seen her or her halfwit friends and had successfully stopped obsessing over what she thought of him. 

As he sat down for lunch, he was immediately aware of her. Like she was a bright glowing star, he couldn't help noticing her every movement. _That's fine._ He reasoned. _She and her friends aren't bothering me._ Until he felt eyes on him. Her eyes. He knew she was staring, constantly staring. _Maybe she’s not and you're just being obsessive again._ Ben allowed himself to look up once, she was turned smiling to face her friends who were laughing. The sight made him feel sick. What did it matter that she was talking with her asshole friends? What did he expect? He tossed the remainder of his lunch and left, unwilling to stand the light any longer.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

_Goddamn fucking Bio. Why the fuck did he have to take Bio. Why couldn't I have been placed in Chem?_ Ben thought bitterly as he made his way to his last class of the day. His cool resolve was starting to wane, and he needed to punch something. 

She was already in the room when he got to it. _Of course._ Ben sat in his chair, opting to look out the window. He couldn't trust himself not to look at her. The window was safest. He felt her eyes on him again, it made his skin itch. _What the fuck does she want? I’m leaving her alone like she wanted._ He didn't look back at her. Anger was rising in him again. Ben needed to punch something _now_. _She was probably laughing at you._ The cruel voice in the back of his mind said. _They were all laughing at you and now she’s just getting a closer look._ He could feel his jaw clench at the thoughts. In disbelief that he had ever been worried about her, ever afraid that he had upset her. He had cared about making her feel comfortable and it had bit him in the ass. Caring about people was a fucking waste and it seemed he still hadn’t learned his lesson.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

After the seemingly never-ending class finally ended Ben is ready to go to the gym and hit something until he felt nothing. The thought was pleasant, to feel nothing but the soreness of a thorough workout. Just as he was about to turn from his locker a voice stops him.

“Ben?” 

He would know her voice anywhere, could pick it out in a crowd as clear as a bell. Alone in the hallway the sound surrounds him and sends a shiver through his body. The brief moment of peace her voice brought him was crushed by reality. Pain sharp and bold coursed through him once more, anger bubbling to the surface. The mental exhaustion he had been juggling had worn away at his patience. Ben was tired.

“What?” He snapped. Harsh and low, turning to face her. He didn't want to look at her, but he had no choice now.

She looked shocked but not quite scared. “I just wa-” She began. He didn't want to hear it. 

“Don't.” He said, his voice going deeper. “I got the message.” He didn't look her in the eyes afraid that his anger would disappear if he did.

“I don't-” She began again. Sounding confused and soft and not at all evil. Ben forced himself to look at her, willing himself to not be weak for once in his life. He wouldn't be anyone's joke ever again.

“You don't what?” He said mockingly, not looking away. “I don't know what you and Poe fucking Dameron are up to, but I never stalked you at your meet.” He raked his fingers through his hair. She didn't say anything, she just stared up at him shocked. It pissed him off. 

“You can run and tell you idiot friends that the “psychotic loser” wants nothing to do with you and they can leave me the fuck alone.” He bites out before pushing past her, trying to ignore the tears in his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uni is crazy and we're all kinda going through it. sorry this took so long, I haven't given up!

The first thing Rey feels is the lack of air in her chest. It’s nothing like when she’s running, the feeling of the air leaving her lungs and filling back up in a steady measure. No, this feels like a blow; like having fallen from a great height and landing on her back. Rey tries to take in deep breaths to fight through the pain, but they feel shallow and shaky. _What’s happening to me?_

He’s leaving. He’s walking away, further, and further. The edge of her vision becomes distorted with unshed tears of frustration. It’s not right. She’s not done. She has more to say. Rey just needs a moment to breathe, she was surprised that's all. She’s not finished with him! How dare he say his piece and not allow her to say hers? How could he do that? How could he say that and walk away so calmly? Rey felt as though her body was a live wire. Anger coursed through her veins and made her muscles shake. Hurt burrowed a hole through her chest. 

Rey’s mind played his words over and over. _“You can run and tell you idiot friends that the “psychotic loser” wants nothing to do with you and they can leave me the fuck alone.”_ Finn had called Ben a psycho more than once and it was no secret that Poe Dameron hated Ben Solo. _“I don't know what you and Poe fucking Dameron are up to, but I never stalked you at your meet.”_ Rey was struck with another blow. She had mentioned seeing Ben at her meet. Finn and Poe must have decided to take matters into her own hands. A wave of renewed fury swept over her. She needed to get out of there, she needed to run before she did something rash. The group home where he lived was only a few miles away from the school and she had missed her usual bus. It was a better alternative to calling Maz who would ask a million questions about why she missed the bus and Rey was a notoriously bad liar. She needed to be alone to try to rid herself of the anger. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

By the time Rey arrived at her house it was nearly their usual dinner time. Maz liked having family dinners, she always said that even though their family was different that they were still family nonetheless and that families eat together. Normally Rey loved family dinners. She loved the noise and hearing about everyone’s day, but she didn't want to talk tonight. Couldn't handle anyone asking her about her day for fear that she might break. She had to handle this on her own. It wasn't anyone else's problem.

Rey opened the door and could smell the meatloaf Maz had promised to make. She had been looking forward to it but had no appetite for anything now. Thankfully, the foyer and front room were empty. 

“There you are, we were worried sick!” Rose said, springing up from an armchair.

Rey gave a weak smile and tried to speak, to say anything at all.

“What's wrong?” Rose asked in a firm and maternal tone that so mirrored her older sister 

Paige. Paige had recently gone off to university but still visited on holidays. Rose had taken her leaving hard but had picked up some of her old habits in her stead.

“Nothing!” Rey said in a voice that she hoped was normal. 

“I missed my bus because I was finishing up something in class.” Rey smiled and prayed that the redness from her crying could be mistaken for exertion from her run. “And I ran home because I needed the exercise, and to clear my head and all that.”

“What did you need to clear?” Rose said in an accusatory tone, raising a single eyebrow.

“I have a meet soon,” Rey said, thinking up the half lie quickly. She did have a track meet soon but it wasn't something she was worried about. 

“I’m just trying to make sure I’m in good shape.” She lied. “I need a scholarship so…” She trailed off, looking down at her scuffed trainers. It was no secret that Rey had been working for a track scholarship to go to college. She hoped that her half-truths were convincing enough.

“Okay…” Rose said, clearly not believing her. “Well wash up and come eat with us.”

“I-” Rey began. The last thing she wanted was to be asked about her day again. Maz could always tell when she was lying. “I’m tired from my run.” Rey said, faking a yawn.

“You still need to eat!” Rose insisted. “You’re as skinny as can be already and you need to refuel if you’re going to do extra training!” She crossed her arms over her chest in a way that was distinctly maternal. Clearly refusing dinner wasn't acceptable. 

“Fine mom.” Rey said in an overly dramatic tone. Though Rose could be bossy, she genuinely cared for everyone at the home and did her best to care for them all, especially the younger kids who needed her most.

Rose narrowed her eyes at Rey who stuck her tongue out at her in response before bounding up the stairs to wash up.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Dinner went as smoothly as it could. Maz questioned her about her lateness and chided her for wanting to skip dinner. Rey repeated the same line that she was stressed about her meet and that was it. Maz seemed to be appeased though Rose still looked skeptical. Rey proceeded to smile and laugh when the younger children talked about the things that had did in school that day, but her mind was far far away.

Anger. She felt the anger rise within her and stain her cheeks red. Her fists tightened and her nails dug into her palms when she thought about _him._ How dare he? How could he do that to her? Think that of her? She clenched her jaw when she remembered how he had walked away without listening to her. _He was hurt._ The little voice in the back of her mind said. _You saw the way he looked._ Crushed. He had looked crushed. Beneath the anger and sneers he was hurt, and she knew it. 

_“You can run and tell you idiot friends that the “psychotic loser” wants nothing to do with you and they can leave me the fuck alone.”_ His words echoing in her mind. A pang of sadness hurt her, the urge to comfort him, to try to get him to understand was swiftly pushed away when another wave of anger hit her.

Poe Dameron. He and Finn had confronted Ben without telling her, without asking her if she wanted defending. Rey hated that most of all, hated being treated like she was weak and needed protection, like she couldn't handle her own problems. Finn had learned early on in their friendship to let her handle her own issues lest he be on the receiving end of some choice words. Poe, however, didn't know her well.

Logically, she knew that Poe meant well, that he truly believed he was doing the right thing. It was no wonder that the headstrong and impulsive Poe Dameron hadn't listened to Finn, or perhaps he had been eager to tell Ben off himself. It was no secret that the two hated Ben, though for the life of her Rey had no idea why. Ben isn't a bad person. This Rey knew even if she didn't truly know. She could sense it, though none of her friends would ever believe that explanation. She hadn't even had a real conversation with him yet, she let out a sigh doubting that she ever would. Even though she knew they had tried to protect her it still made her angry. It had messed everything up and now Ben hated her more than ever.

Rey excused herself from dinner feigning a headache. She desperately needed a hot shower. Her run had helped her remove some of the tension but not enough for her to relax. Her mind buzzed with images of Ben who had looked so angry and sad, and of Poe who she wanted to tell of. Thinking of all of the things she wanted to say to Poe eased her anger a bit, it would teach him to not meddle again.

Rose Tico was sitting on her bed when Rey entered their room after her shower. Rose immediately held up a hand to stop Rey from protesting.

“Before you say anything, I _know_ something is wrong.” She began. Rey opened her mouth to defend herself before Rose gave her a look that clearly said she wasn't getting out of this that easily. Rey closed her mouth, defeated. 

“Look you don't have to give me details,” Rose began. Rey kept her eyes on the ground. “But I think I know what this is about.” Rose continued. Rey snapped her head up.

“Thought so.” Rose said in a self-satisfied tone. “C’mere.” She said, patting the bed.

“I know boy troubles when I see it.” Rose said and nodded in sagely manner. 

Rey felt her face heat up immediately. Though Finn knew almost everything about her, she had never actually offered up much about herself, Finn was just exceptionally talented at prying. Rey had never wanted to be like any of the girls who complained and cried about things that didn't matter, like fights with friends or crushes on boys, it seemed juvenile and ridiculous to her. Unrequited crushes and fights over petty things didn't compare to losing her parents, everything else was manageable and not worth crying over. She inwardly scoffed at her own behavior, knowing that Rey from a few weeks before would call her weak right now. 

“It’s-it’s not that.” Rey mumbled. It sounded like a lie to her ears and she knew Rose would know better.

“Sure, and I’m a 6ft tall blonde.” Rose said rolling her eyes.

Rey continued looking down, focusing on a loose string on her pajama pants. 

“Rey,” Rose began gently. “I know you’re a private person and all, but there are times when we all need to vent.” Rey peeked up at her. 

“I won't make you talk about it,” Rose began. “But I think it might make you feel better.”

Rey said nothing and instead leaned against Rose, not knowing what to say or where to begin. 

“You know I love you right?” Rose said, putting an arm around her. Rey nodded into her side.

“Good.” Rose said, rubbing Rey’s arm soothingly. “Besides, any boy that makes you feel this bad isn't worth your time anyway.” 

Rey sighed deeply. She wanted to talk about it but forming the words and getting them out was proving to be impossible.

“He’s mad at me.” Rey said quietly. It felt inadequate to describe the pain and fury she saw in Ben’s eyes as anger. 

“Why’s that?” Rose said.

“He thinks I did something that I didn't do.” Rey began, her previous anger coming back. “It’s not my fault that Finn and Poe decided to-”

“Wait, wait, Finn and Poe? I thought this was about Finn?” Rose exclaimed, cutting Rey off. 

“It was but then it got all messed up!” Rey said in an exasperated tone, flinging herself down onto the bed.

“Okay, so wait. Who’s the guy who’s mad?” Rose said, her brows furrowing. 

“Ben Solo.” Rey said with obvious frustration.

“Ben Solo?” Rose exclaimed, eyes going wide with a sneer fixed on her face.

“Yes. Ben Solo.” Rey repeated.

“Like Ben Solo, Ben Solo? _The_ Ben Solo” Rose said, the concerned look on her face growing at Rey’s confirmations.

“Yes, _THE_ Ben Solo.” Rey said in an exaggerated tone. 

“Wow.” Rose said, laying back on the bed next to Rey. Rey nodded in answer.

“I didn't know you were into him.” Rose began. “Isn't he a loner? Also didn't he punch a teacher or something.” 

“I don't like him!” Rey said, flinging her arms over her eyes. “I just,” She started. She didn't know what to say, that she felt bad for him? That was true but there was more than that. She had wanted to apologize for the mix up, make him understand that she didn't do it to hurt him, if she even _had_ hurt him. She wanted to make it right, that's all. 

“If you do it’s okay.” Rose said gently, trying but failing to mask her disdain for him.

“It’s not that it's just that I feel bad.” Rey said.

“I’m not following.” Rose said.

“I wrote a letter that was supposed to go in Poe’s locker but I accidentally put it in Ben’s and _then_ Finn and Poe told him to stop stalking me even though he totally wants, and _THEN_ he yelled at me and he hates me because he thinks _I_ called him a psychotic loser which I didn't, that was stupid Finn and Poe!” Rey exclaimed, talking faster and faster as her story went on. 

“And now he hates me, and I just wanted to talk to him! I didn't even get the chance to tell him how I felt or what happened! He just said his piece and walked away! Like how dare he?” She finished, turning to Rose who looked shocked.

“Wow.” Rose said after a moment of processing. “So, you put a love letter in his locker.” Rose repeated as if she didn't quite believe the ridiculous chain of events. 

“Yes, yes it went into the wrong locker blah blah whatever. The point is that he hates me!” Rey cried in a shrill voice.

“So?” Rose replied. 

“What do you mean so!” Rey said incredulously, turning to face Rose.

“Why do you care if Ben hates you? You like Poe.” Rose said with a shrug.

“I-.” Rey began. Why did she care? She had been racking her brain for an answer for days now. She didn't have an answer other than she ‘just did’.

“Why are you mad at Finn and Poe anyway?” Rose questioned.

“They yelled at Ben. Told him I thought he was a loser and a stalker. They hate him.” Rey replied.

“Again,” Rose began. “So?”

“What do you mean so? I didn't call him that! Or say that he was a stalker!” 

“Rey!” Rose said in an exasperated tone. “The boy you like was defending you and you’re worried about _Ben Solo_?” She said his name like it had a bad taste.

“It was wrong.” Rey said softly. She didn't know why it bothered her so much. Ben was rude and she didn't know him from Adam anyway.

“C’mon Rey!” Rose said, playfully shoving Rey. “This is the best news! Poe likes you enough to defend you! That’s huge! You should be smiling or dancing or something!”

Rey frowned at her. She didn't feel like smiling or dancing. She didn't feel butterflies when she thought about Poe, she felt angry and hurt that her and her best friend had done that to Ben.

The realization struck her before she swiftly quelled it, not wanting to examine it right now, or ever. 

“Yeah.” Rey said with false enthusiasm. “You’re right.”

“Duh!” Rose said with a smile. “Now c’mon I think Maz made pie!”

Rey smiled up at her before getting up to search for pie.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

Rey yawned as he entered the school. Sleep had evaded her last night, leaving her tossing and turning, unable to shut her mind off. She was mad and hurt and tired, thankfully it was Friday. _7 hours to go._

As she made her way to her locker, she saw him. Finn was next to her locker smiling and waving at her. Rey could feel her face pinching into a frown, she so didn't want to deal with this right now.

“How’s my peanut this morning.” Finn said, unaware.

“Fine.” Rey said in a clipped tone, not looking at Finn as she pulled books from her locker.

“Uh-huh, what's wrong peanut? Something happen?” He said in a concerned voice.

“Like you don't know!” Rey exclaimed, closing her locked with more force than necessary.

“I _don't_ know.” Finn said, brows furrowing. “Did I forget something or…”

“You and Poe.” Rey said, expectantly. “Ben!” She said when realization didn't immediately come to Finn.

“Ben Solo?” Finn said, sneering. “What about that guy?”

“You and Poe told him that I called him a loser and a stalker.” Rey said angrily. “You know how I feel about people speaking for me.”

“Of course, I know.” Finn said. “But Rey I seriously don't know what you’re talking about. I never talked to Ben.” He said.

Rey gave him an evaluating look before realizing that he was telling the truth. Finn was a terrible liar anyway. 

“Look-” Rey began right as the bell signaling the start of first period rang. 

“Meet me in the bathroom during third period?” Finn asked.

Rey nodded and made her way to her first period class. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

“So wait,” Finn began. “Tell me what he said one more time.”

“Finn come on” Rey said exasperated, they had gone over the exchange extensively. She leaned her head against the wall. The two had skipped class and were hiding out in the bathroom.

“It just doesn't make sense.” Finn exclaimed. “I didn't say anything to Solo and yeah Poe and I don't like him but-” Finn stopped, his eyes going wide.

“Poe had said something while we were on the phone about Putting Solo in his place but I didn't think he had actually _done_ anything.”

“Apparently he did.” Rey sniffed.

“I had no idea Rey.” Finn said.

“I know.” Rey sighed, turning to Finn to give him a smile. She loved her best friend and knew that he wouldn't lie to her. 

“It’s not so bad.” Finn said, taking Rey’s hand to hold. “At least Solo won't bother you anymore.”

Rey looked down at their hands and sighed again. Nobody understood why it made her feel bad, she couldn't even explain it to herself. 

“He wasn't bothering me.” Rey said. “I just-” 

“I Know peanut.” Finn said, squeezing her hand. “You have a thing about people talking for you. I get it. Poe just doesn't know that yet.”

Rey gave him a weak smile. She was upset about that, but it was more than that, more than she could put together in a period.

“I can talk to Poe if you want.” Finn said gently. “I mean if you don't want to tell him yourself that is. I don't want this to ruin your first date.”

Oh god. The date. Poe Dameron had said he wanted to get dinner with her. How could she have forgotten? This was what she had wanted, and it had happened without him reading her stupid letter. 

“Thanks,” Rey said, smiling halfheartedly. 

“Go easy on him Rey.” Finn teased. “Hell hath no fury like a Rey scorned.” 

Rey rolled her eyes and playfully shoved her best friend. 

“We should get going.” Finn said, rising up and extending his hand to Rey. She took it and internally groaned. She had lunch next hour and she would have to see Ben and Poe.

The two left the bathroom and went their separate ways. As Rey was rounding the corner to her fourth period class, she ran into her third period teacher, Ms. Holdo.

“Miss Kenobi, lovely to see you.” She said with a false sweetness. 

“Ms. Holdo,” Rey began.

“Miss Kenobi, I assume you were ill this past hour, so ill in fact that you spent the hour in the nurse's office.” She said in a condescending tone. 

“I-” Rey began, her mind going blank.

“That’s what I thought.” Holdo began as she pulled out a detention slip. “Detention, Monday afternoon, Miss Kenobi.

Rey flushed scarlet, taking the slip from her. 

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Rey decided to skip lunch in favor of getting a run in. The prospect of seeing Ben and Poe sounded awful, on top of her stress of getting a detention. Maz would be disappointed in her but not as disappointed as she was with herself.

Rey felt her feet steadily pound into the ground, her lungs filling and deflating but nothing helped. The persistent nagging feeling in her stomach wouldn't subside. Ben hated her, she had detention, and she also had a date to worry about. Rey halted, catching her breath. It wasn't working, running wasn't taking her stress away. More frustrated than before, she takes a quick shower before making her way to bio, dreading it all the way.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

He was looking at his phone, didn't even look up as she pulled out her chair loudly. _I don't care about Ben Solo anyway!_ Rey took her seat and promptly began ignoring Ben. Though she had dreaded seeing him, she found that she was angrier than she was sad. She made it a point not to look at him even though she could feel his presence in the room. She wanted to look at him, to yell at him and give him a piece of her mind. She didn't look back at him though; she didn't want to be weak. Thankfully, the period ended without her looking back once. As she packed her bag she glanced up and met two dark eyes. The afternoon light filtering through the window casting him in a golden silhouette. In that moment he didn't look angry or cruel, he looked- Ben grabbed his bag and was gone, leaving Rey frozen, the moment long gone. She shook her head in frustration and left, muttering as she made her way to her locker. 

Poe Dameron was leaning against her locker when she arrived and gave her a smile that was so dashing that it should have left her breathless.

“Rey, I am so sorry. I had no idea, Finn let me know. I didn't mean to speak for you or anything. That guy is just an asshole and I didn't want him bothering you, you’re great and I would hate to see you hurt. Forgive me?” He said, giving her puppy dog eyes. 

“I forgive you.” She said with a smile. Poe was a good guy even if she didn't agree with him or his methods, he had genuinely meant well. Poe smiled back at her, she was unable to stop the laugh that bubbled up from within her at his exaggerated expression “I do appreciate you looking out for me,” She began. “Yeah but you can take care of yourself, Finn told me.” Poe said. Rey smiled shyly in return, knowing that Finn exaggerated how angry she could get. Poe winked at her before heading off to his next class. Rey blushed and made her way to her last period. 

Ben Solo clenched his jaw at the sight. She smiled and laughed and blushed at that idiot! She had thanked him for what he did, he had heard her say it. In bio, she had looked up at him and he thought maybe- it didn't matter. He had been wrong. In the end she was just like Poe fucking Dameron. The anger was swelling within him. He couldn't skip out again without getting in trouble, but he needed to hit something badly. _“I do appreciate you looking out for me.”_ Her light voice reverberating in his mind. He hated her for hating him. He hadn't done anything to her. It wasn't his fault she put that damn letter in his locker. Before he could stop himself, he slammed his fist into a locker, denting it with a loud crash. He could feel his hand throb from the impact. 

“Mr. Solo!” A voice called out. Ben turned around and locked eyes with none other than principal Jinn who looked furious. 

  
_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad so many of you don't like Rey right now. I still like my Rey and canon Rey it's just sad seeing the comments for this chapter. if you don't like teenagers being written like teenagers please kindly move on. thank you!


End file.
